Thursday, July 25, 2013

Mother's Day, pt. 7

Part of me wants to hold out for part 7 being the post where I tell you how we got a baby because seven, Biblical numbers and all.  But that would be cheating part of the story.

Here's something I wrote a couple weeks after we had the biopsy results (with a little editing):

Anyways, our whole conversation led to this craziness in my head:

He's feeling discouraged and ready to give up.

I'm feeling discouraged but not ready to give up.

But I am in full retreat mode.

I feel like I fought a huge battle, took many casualties, got cut off from my supply line, and now I'm a little lost.

So, I'm in full retreat, trying to find my supply line, reinforcements, a safe place to rest, whatever will help me fight the next battle.

Because there will be a next battle.  That's what is most draining (for me and at this moment) about infertility.  There's no "fast" or "easy" way to go about having a baby now.  It's a battle every step of the way. 

I know that even when a child is conceived in the way God planned (which leads me to another thought... I wonder if Eve had any idea how far reaching her curse would be.  When God said childbearing would be painful from them on, did she know conceiving would be included? She did have to deal with one child killing another though...), everything is far from guaranteed to go well.  But it still makes me mad that
1 we paid for birth control for three years, one year of which I dealt with terrible side effects
2 for other people it is incredibly easy
3 for us it's not
4 we didn't know this 5 years ago.  I still would've married R, but I think we would have done a few things differently. 

I'm tired.  And I'm tired of fighting.  And I want to give up.  But I won't.  I will retreat, I will rest, then I will resupply, I will reconvene my troops, and I will re-enter the battle.  But I will never lay down arms.  (You'll have to pry them from my cold, dead hands!) 

So, I did retreat.  I took a good four months pretending infertility didn't exist.  Hiding out even when I was with people who loved me.  And then we came up with a plan.  A plan that made/makes perfect sense.  It takes into account what I want and what R is OK with and we made a budget and a plan

And now, it seems that plan could change. 

 We are still on the fence.  

We have narrowed down our choices from two to... a more specific two.  

I really don't know when part 8 will come out.  I know there will be a part 8.  I hold onto that with every fiber of my being.  To continue my analogy, we are still strategizing.  Counting our supplies.  Deciding where we stand and which way would be the best mode of attack.  My heart is torn  in both directions.  So we are trying to take it one blind step at a time and trust God will lead us.  That's hard.